Amazing Poll Results

by Kate.

Thank you to everyone who participated in our second official poll. To those of you who didn’t participate… I have nothing more to say to you. Please stop reading this and look out the window so those us of who care about polls and democracy and freedom can have a private conversation.

Our second official poll provided an answer to one of the great unsolved math problems that has plagued mathematicians since the dawn of math plagues:

Does Power + Russian + Shirtless, Muscley Photographs = Hotness?

I don’t know why mathematicians didn’t just solve this problem with a poll, like we did. I mean, how hard is it to conduct a scientific poll? (I assume that “scientific poll” means a poll that is taken by scientists. I also assume that you guys are all scientists.)

How hot is Putin? Currently, he’s #18 on our list. Should he be ranked higher? Or lower?

The winner: Lower (50%)

Over 5,000 of you think that Putin’s hotness is overrated. That, or one of you owns over 5,000 computers.

So even with all of his power and Russianness and shirtlessness, the majority opinion is that Putin resembles (as one voter put it) “a fox whose face is being pushed through cling film.” I see your point, but what the hell is “cling film”? On my planet, we call it “saran wrap.” I am intrigued by your alien planet that is seemingly identical to Earth in every respect except for the term “saran wrap.”

Photo of Putin on horseback included due to popular demand. (Popular demand = 1 person.)

-
First runner-up: Higher (42%)

4,000 voters think that Putin’s hotness is underrated. To tell you the truth, I am totally with you. It’s just a shame that the answers to math problems are determined by popular opinion polls. You know, the Pythagorean theorem was almost a² + b² = c. It lost out to a² + b² = c² by just shy of 100 votes.

-
Second runner-up: No Change (7%)

I am glad that a tiny percentage of you think that we are doing a just-fine job of ranking world leaders in order of hotness. As one of you guessed, we did in fact determine the rankings by pulling names out of a hat, which admittedly isn’t super-scientific, but we were wearing lab coats at the time, which I think helped.

-
Third runner-up: Other (1%)

The joke is on you, “Other,” because I am too lazy to count your votes. Also, how is “Kate sucks” a coherent answer to the question? I’m talking to you, Mom. (My mom likes to heckle me.)

Many of you expressed the opinion that Putin shouldn’t even be on our list because he’s not a head of state. Clearly you did not realize that—in spite of the misleading name of our website—our list is actually a ranking of the hottest presidents of Russia. That’s right. What have you got to say now?

Knowing you, you’ll probably say “Where is Boris Yeltsin?” and “Why is Barack Obama on there?” So I’m just going to ask you to keep your comments to yourself.

I can tell you’re thinking about leaving a comment right now. Resist.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: In accordance with the wishes of the poll, we will be taking Putin down a few notches in our upcoming revamp of The List. So now you have something to look forward to! Unless you are Putin.)

#47 Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir

Prime Minister of Iceland
by Derek

Do you know what’s scary? Nazis. Did you know that there are Nazis out there right now? On the internet? I know that may strike you at first as surprising. What do Nazis want with the internet, anyway? Usually when I hear about Nazis doing things, the internet is nowhere to be found.

But it turns out that they have lots of information to share on the internet. I did not know many of the things they know! For example: I work for the Daily Telegraph. I did not know that! (EDITOR’S NOTE: Link is NSFW. Unless you want your employer to think you’re a Nazi… or unless you are a Nazi, and your employer already knows and is cool with it.) Also, the world’s governments and major media outlets have been infiltrated by sinister gays. Gays are actually in charge now, but in secret. I know that seems surprising, since they can’t get married or join the military or really do anything at all. But it is true.

#7 Henri

Grand Duke of Luxembourg
by J.D.

In all likelihood, no one would find it hard to believe I was leading a secret double life. But this is just because I don’t get a whole lot done in my normal, visible life. “Maybe JD doesn’t actually spend all his time sitting on the couch drinking beer and playing video games. Maybe he’s also working under an assumed name as a gas station attendant, or a pharmaceutical clinical trial subject? Perhaps he’s a bigamist? Because surely there must be more to him than meets the eye.”

Well, yes and no. First of all, I also huff glue while I’m playing video games, to stay alert, and twitchy. Second, people have gross miscomprehensions about how secret double lives actually work. In many cases, it’s the most accomplished people who have secret lives. They have a successful public persona, and as if that weren’t enough, they have a whole second set of accomplishments and activities. Think Bruce Wayne, or Alger Hiss, or Jim McGreevey.

Grand Duke Henri of Luxembourg falls into this category.

#79 Dalia Grybauskaitė

President of Lithuania
by Kate.

As you may have noticed (if you’re my travel agent… or my husband… or my boss) I spent last month in Lithuania. Lithuania is a popular vacation destination for those of us who are stalking Alexander Lukashenko but have been banned from Belarus for one reason or another. While there, I managed to land an imaginary interview with Lithuanian president and boyfriend-stealing hussy Dalia Grybauskaite. The transcript follows.

Kate: Dalia Grybauskaite, I have only one question for you today. Are you or are you not romantically involved with Belarusian president Alexander Lukashenko?

Dalia: Wait, what? I thought this was going to be an interview about my black belt in karate.

Kate: Yes, I did invite you here under the premise of questioning you about your unfeminine and unbecoming karate skills, but that was just a clever trick.

Dalia: What do you mean “invite me here”? I was walking to my mailbox and you jumped out from behind a bush!

#51 Ernest Bai Koroma

President of Sierra Leone

by Derek

What’s the first thing that pops into your mind when you think of Sierra Leone? Nothing? Civil War? Diamonds? That beverage that is kinda like Fresca but not really? I’ll tell you what I think about: fancy hats.

Admittedly, this is probably because I was thinking about fancy hats before anyone mentioned Sierra Leone (specifically: fancy cats in fancy hats), but you should remember the equation. Fancy hats = Sierra Leone. Memorize that one. It will be on the quiz.

Special Report: Heads of State vs Heads of Government

by J.D.

One of the worst things about the internet is the anonymity it provides a certain class of individuals to spew their hateful, offensive speech. Specifically: nerds. Since we started this website, I’ve been hearing from a lot of nerds whining about the difference between “head of state” and “head of government.” Things along the lines of “you have my country’s head of government on your website, not the head of state.” Combined with all of the “you misspelled the name of my country,” and “you stole my copyrighted image, cease and desist” comments from the peanut gallery, it gets a little tedious.

OK, college boy. We’re all real impressed with your in-depth knowledge of political science. Maybe you missed our FAQs where we sarcastically professed ignorance about this. But if it’s so important to you that everyone learn the difference between heads of state and heads of government, then here you go. The following is a brief tutorial and history on the subject of heads of state and heads of government.

#52 Andry Rajoelina

President of the High Transition of Authority of Madagascar
by J.D.

Bzzz Bzzz Bzzz Bzzz!

Bzzz Bzzz Bzzz Bzzz!

Andry Rajoelina rolled over in bed, fumbled about groggily on his nightstand and slapped the clock radio. Was it morning already? He knew he’d been up late working on his latest invention – a sunglasses-mounted laser for blinding jocks – but how could he be so sleepy? He blearily opened his eyes, looked at the time, and let out a startled “dang!” He’d overslept! He was late for school! Again!

#148 Tuilaepa Aiono Sailele Malielegaoi

Prime Minister of the Independent State of Samoa
by J.D.

“My friend, I can tell you are a smart guy, so I’m just going to give it to you straight: I have got a great deal for you.

“You like the beach, right? I mean, who doesn’t like the beach? Buddy, I’ve got a piece of property that is bounded by beach on every single side. What!? I know, can you believe it? This property here, “Samoa,” is an island with like…well I don’t know how many miles of coastline, but believe me, it’s a lot.

#122 Dimitris Christofias

President of the Republic of Cyprus
by J.D.

Dimitris Christofias Sings the Hits of Yesteryear

1950’s crooner and Republic of Cyprus President Dimitris Christofias will be appearing for 60 nights only at the Goldrush! Riverboat Casino beginning June 12th, performing the songs that made your heart melt. Or possibly your parents’ hearts.

Remember the late 50’s singles “Please Let Me Cross Your Green Line”? Or “Baby, I Don’t Want To Taste Your Turkish Delight”? No? Well, in that case, you’re in for a once-in-a-lifetime treat.

Amazing Poll Results

by J.D.

So. Our first official poll has closed, and the people have spoken. (Well, technically the people have clicked. Maybe some people spoke, but we didn’t hear them.)

“In your opinion, who is the least attractive head of state? Kim Jon Il, Pope Benedict XVI, or Other.”

-
The “winner”: Kim Jong Il (52%)

We are sad to report that 52% of you are wrong. Kim Jong Il is not the least attractive head of state. He isn’t even the least attractive person mentioned in our poll.

That prize belongs to this “PollDaddy” character who we got the poll software from. I haven’t actually met or seen PollDaddy, but I don’t need to meet him to know he’s terrifying. I’m picturing a hairy, leather-clad, whip-wielding guy who makes me answer a series of tedious polls. Although to be fair, that’s what I was picturing for most of the day today.

-
First runner-up: Pope Benedict XVI (28%)

Another person who is less attractive than Kim Jong Il is the Pope, which is why we offered him as a voting option. One of us (Kate) was too terrified of the heavy-hitting Vatican City lobby to call the Pope out on our list for being the least attractive head of state, but we were hoping that the voting masses of the internet would vote for him and so provide us some cover. (Apparently, Kate is concerned that calling the Pope the least attractive leader would have hurt her ongoing campaign to secure an indulgence from the church for saying on this website that the Pope is the second-least-attractive world leader.)

But the simple fact is that the Pope is less attractive that Kim Jong Il. I suppose some of you – the same people who are whining about Barack Obama not being rated higher – have confused “hottest” with “nicest” or “person I like the most,” which is why you voted for Kim Jong Il over the Pope. It’s also probably why you asked your mom to go to prom with you.

-
Second runner-up: Your Mom (1 vote)

Well, see, there you go. Stop trying to put other people’s moms down. We all know how beautiful and sweet you think your mom is.

-
Third runner-up: Me (1 vote)

Wait…me? Does that mean you, or me? If it means you, does that mean you are actually a world leader? A world leader who feels down on yourself? If you’re Alexander Lukashenko, then I know someone who will be excited to hear about your low self-esteem.

-
Fourth runner-up: Kate (1 vote)

It’s Kate. Kate is the one who will be excited to hear that Lukashenko might be feeling sad and vulnerable. For that matter, she’s probably the one who voted for Kate, just so he would try to cheer her up.

-
Fifth runner-up: Hamad bin Khalifa, Emir of Qatar (1 vote)

This one actually makes some sense. I think you can make an intellectually honest argument for Emir Hamad being the least attractive of this bunch, although I think he is less conventionally unattractive than he is creepy-looking…there is a little bit of a Donner Party vibe to him. That said, I don’t think there is anything wrong with him that going on What Not to Wear wouldn’t fix.

-
Sixth runner-up: Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada (1 vote)

So, a few weeks ago, a financial blog posted a link to our hilarious piece on Stephen Harper, and out of the blue we were flooded with what I can only assume were visitors from Canada. (This assumption is based on the fact that – and Americans, please correct me if I’m wrong – Americans don’t know who the hell Stephen Harper is.)

Anyhow, our piece implied that PM Harper is something of a nancy. So I assumed that the Canadians wanting to read it were Liberal Party supporters, both because the Liberal Party is opposed to Harper, but also because the Liberals don’t tolerate pussies. But the piece also made fun of Canada, which I guess just goes to show you: even Canadians don’t take Canada seriously.

And finally, a special bonus math question. If one person voted for “Kate,” then based on the above percentages, how many people voted overall? Click “read the rest of this entry” for the answer.